The Four Horsemen: How to Spot (and Stop) What’s Hurting Your Relationship

“What is it you need help with?” That’s usually the first question I ask couples when they come in for a session with me. Nine times out of ten, their answer is the same: “We just want to learn how to communicate better.”

When we first fall in love, it often feels like learning a brand-new dance. There’s excitement, a bit of nervousness, and the joy of finding a rhythm together. But over time, we can start stepping on each other’s toes.

This is when unhelpful patterns can creep in: blaming, shutting down, picking fights, or circling the same argument without ever finding a way out. It’s not that we don’t love each other; it’s just that we don’t know any other moves.

Communication struggles don’t mean a relationship is doomed, but if we don’t pay attention, they can leave us both feeling stuck, hurt, and disconnected.

The Four Horsemen of Relationships

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, spent decades studying what makes couples thrive or struggle. He identified four behaviours that are especially damaging, which he called The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism: Criticism isn’t about voicing a frustration; it’s about attacking the other person’s character. Instead of saying: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m left to do all the chores,” criticism sounds like: “You’re so lazy. You never help around the house. You’re selfish.”

   
   

   The problem is that criticism puts your partner immediately on the defensive, making it harder to get to what’s actually bothering you.

   
   

2. Contempt: This one is the most poisonous of the bunch. Contempt is when we send the message: “I’m better than you.” It can come through sarcasm, mocking, or even just that eye-roll. It might sound like: “You’re pathetic—you can’t even hold down a job.”

   
   

   Contempt leaves the other person feeling small, belittled, and unloved. Over time, it’s incredibly corrosive to a relationship.

   
   

3. Defensiveness: When we feel attacked, we naturally want to protect ourselves. But defensiveness tends to look like excuses, minimising, or flipping the blame back on our partner. Instead of saying: “I get why you’re upset, and I’m sorry,” we might blurt out: “It’s not that big a deal, you’re always overreacting.”

   
   

   Even if we don’t mean to, defensiveness blocks connection. It tells our partner: “Your feelings don’t matter as much as my need to protect myself.”

   
   

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down, checking out emotionally, avoiding eye contact, or going silent. Often, this is less about not caring and more about feeling too much. For people with more avoidant styles, this can be the go-to move.

   
   

   From the outside, though, it often feels like a giant wall being thrown up. And to the partner left out in the cold, it can feel like rejection.

Spotting and Countering the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship

The first step is noticing when one of these shows up in your relationship. Once you spot them, you can start to swap them out for healthier moves.

• Criticism: Take a moment to think about how you express your frustrations. If you find yourself making personal attacks instead of talking about specific behaviours, you might be criticising. This can sound like “You just don't care about me anyway, all you care about is your phone”.

  
  

  Instead of blaming your partner, try focusing on how you feel and what you need. Using “I” statements can help you express yourself without making your partner feel attacked. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when you’re on your phone while I’m talking.” Then, you can follow up with a request, like "Could we set aside some time to properly catch up without distractions?”. Pro tip: saying things like “I feel like you’re being selfish” is still criticism😉

  
  

• Contempt: Pay attention to your tone and body language. Are you being sarcastic or rolling your eyes? It might be worth reflecting on whether your words and actions are coming from a place of respect. A little gratitude can go a long way in counteracting contempt.

  
  

  Instead, make it a habit to show appreciation for your partner, even for the little things. Regular compliments and acknowledging their efforts can help shift the atmosphere from one of contempt to one of respect and gratitude. It can sound like “I'm so grateful that you were there for me when I got overwhelmed the other day.” or “Hey, I noticed you cleaned the dishes last night, thank you, I appreciate that.”

• Defensiveness: Notice if you feel the urge to defend yourself during disagreements. Are you really listening to your partner, or are you just waiting for your turn to explain yourself? If you find yourself preoccupied more with winning the argument than working with your partner on this, it's a sign the conversation is not going to be productive.

  
  

  Instead, try to take responsibility, even if it’s tough. It will de-escalate the conflict straight away. Also, try to switch from being defensive to being curious. When your partner brings up an issue, really listen and try to understand where they’re coming from. Even if you don’t fully agree, acknowledging their feelings can help de-escalate the situation. Remember, apologising, especially when it’s hard, can go a long way in healing hurt feelings.

• Identifying Stonewalling: If you catch yourself tuning out or wanting to leave the room during tough conversations, you might be stonewalling. It can feel like becoming more and more overwhelmed, the urge to run away, a sense that you're going to explode, or feeling like a deer in headlights. All these make us want to flee the situation. It’s okay to need a break, just let your partner know you’ll be back to talk when you’re ready.

  
  

  Use this time to practise self-soothing techniques to come back down to regulation. Most importantly, make sure to let your partner know you just need a break, that you love them, and that you will come back to the conversation. This shows that you’re committed to working through the issue together. Make sure to be the one who opens up the conversation again, and do not wait more than 24 hours.

  
  

Practising Healthy Communication Habits

Healthy communication doesn’t mean never fighting. It means being able to repair, come back to each other, and build safety in the relationship.

You can use this cheat sheet to help you practise improving your communication.

If you’d like some extra support on this journey, feel free to reach out, and I'll see how I can help.

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