What is it you need help with?" I'll ask the couples I work with during our first session. Nine times out of ten, they’ll say, "We want to learn how to better communicate with each other." If you can relate, this article may be for you.
When we start a relationship, it’s like learning a new dance—it's a bit scary, but also so exhilarating. But as time goes on, we might step on each other’s toes, stumble, or even lose the rhythm. When this happens, we might find ourselves pulling away or pushing back. This often looks like blaming, shutting down, or falling into repetitive patterns that keep us stuck because we don’t know any other moves.
When communication starts to break down, it can lead to frustration and a sense that things just aren’t working anymore. While improving how we communicate won’t solve everything, it can make the relationship dance a lot smoother and more enjoyable.
John Gottman, a relationship researcher, spent years observing couples and identified the “Four Horsemen”—four behaviours that all couples should watch out for, and what to do when we notice them.
Understanding the Four Horsemen
The “Four Horsemen” represent specific behaviours that negatively impact relationships. Let's take a closer look at each one:
Criticism: Criticism is when we attack our partner’s character instead of focusing on a specific behaviour. For example, instead of saying, "I feel overwhelmed when I have to do all the chores," you might say something like, "You’re so lazy; you never help around the house. That’s just selfish." This kind of talk can put your partner on the defensive and make it harder to address what’s really—and rightfully—bothering you.
Contempt: Contempt is the nastiest of the Four Horsemen. It’s when we show our partner that we think we’re better than them, often through sarcasm, mocking, or even just an eye roll. Contempt can make your partner feel belittled and is incredibly harmful. It can sound like "Look at you, you're so pathetic. You're not even able to keep a job for more than a month".
Defensiveness: When we feel attacked, it’s natural to get defensive. We might make excuses, deny responsibility, or even turn the blame back on our partner. For example, instead of saying, "I see why you’re upset, and I’m sorry," we might say, "It’s not that bad; you always overreact." Although understandable, this only leads to more conflict and stops the conversation from moving forward. It can also make the partner who raised a concern feel unheard, and like what they feel doesn't matter.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one partner just shuts down—emotionally and physically. Often, stonewalling comes from feeling overwhelmed and is more common with people who are more avoidant in their attachment style. It’s like we're putting up a wall between us and our partner. When this happens, if not handled well, it can be received like a massive rejection and can be very triggering and confusing.
Spotting and Countering the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship
Recognising the Four Horsemen in your relationship is the first step toward making positive changes. Once you've identified these behaviours, you can start taking steps to counter them and improve your communication. Here's how to spot each of the Four Horsemen and what you can do to address them:
Criticism: Take a moment to think about how you express your frustrations. If you find yourself making personal attacks instead of talking about specific behaviours, you might be criticising. This can sound like “You just don't care about me anyway, all you care about is your phone”.
Instead of blaming your partner, try focusing on how you feel and what you need. Using “I” statements can help you express yourself without making your partner feel attacked. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when you’re on your phone while I’m talking.” Then, you can follow up with a request, like "Could we set aside some time to properly catch up without distractions?”. And no, saying things like “I feel like you [insert criticism]” is not owning your emotions ;)
Contempt: Pay attention to your tone and body language. Are you being sarcastic or rolling your eyes? It might be worth reflecting on whether your words and actions are coming from a place of respect. A little gratitude can go a long way in counteracting contempt.
Instead, make it a habit to show appreciation for your partner, even for the little things. Regular compliments and acknowledging their efforts can help shift the atmosphere from one of contempt to one of respect and gratitude. It can sound like “I'm so grateful that you were there for me when I got overwhelmed the other day.” or “Hey, I noticed you cleaned the dishes last night, thank you, I appreciate that.”
Defensiveness: Notice if you feel the urge to defend yourself during disagreements. Are you really listening to your partner, or are you just waiting for your turn to explain yourself? If you find yourself preoccupied more about winning the argument than working with your partner on this, it's a sign the conversation is not going to be productive.
Instead, try to take responsibility, even if it’s tough—it will de-escalate the conflict straight away. Also, try to switch from being defensive to being curious. When your partner brings up an issue, really listen and try to understand where they’re coming from. Even if you don’t fully agree, acknowledging their feelings can help de-escalate the situation. Remember, apologising—especially when it’s hard—can go a long way in healing hurt feelings.
Identifying Stonewalling: If you catch yourself tuning out or wanting to leave the room during tough conversations, you might be stonewalling. It can feel like becoming more and more overwhelmed, the urge to run away, a sense that you're going to explode, or feeling like a dear in headlights. All these make us want to flee the situation. It’s okay to need a break—just let your partner know you’ll be back to talk when you’re ready.
If you feel overwhelmed and need to step away, that’s completely okay. Use this time to practise self-soothing techniques to come back down to regulation. Most importantly, make sure to let your partner know you just need a break, that you love them, and that you will come back to the conversation. This shows that you’re committed to working through the issue together. Make sure to be the one who opens up the conversation again, and do not wait more than hours.
Practicing Healthy Communication Habits
Building healthier communication habits takes time, but it’s so worth it. Start by really listening to your partner without planning your next response, and try to see things from their perspective. Validating your partner’s feelings creates a safe space for open and honest dialogue. You can use this cheat sheet to help you practise improving your communication.
If you’d like some extra support on this journey, feel free to reach out, and I'll see how I can help.
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