Finding new ways to be

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When the same arguments keep happening again and again, it can be difficult to see how to get out of them. It can feel like the problem is the other person: they don't listen to me, she criticises me, he shuts down, she asks too much... With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we instead try to understand the cycle you both get caught in.

• What happens just before things escalate?

• What does each of you feel?

• What do you need in that moment?

• And how does one person's reaction end up reinforcing the other's?

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Moving toward understanding

A big part of the work is learning to look at your partner with more curiosity and empathy. Behind anger, there may be fear. Behind criticism, a need for closeness. Behind withdrawal, a fear of never being heard. By moving towards these more vulnerable emotions and needs, you can gradually learn to express yourselves differently, and to better hear what your partner is trying to tell you.

The aim is to build a relationship where both of you can feel more understood, connected and safe.

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Why EFT?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the emotions and attachment needs at the heart of our relationships.

Research on EFT has found that around 70–73% of couples experiencing relationship distress move from distress to recovery, while around 90% show significant improvement. These figures come from research including a 1999 meta-analysis by Johnson and colleagues.