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Anxious Attachment Deep Dive: Developing understanding and coping strategies

Updated: Jul 25, 2023

Human beings are inherently social creatures, seeking connection and belongingness with others. Our early experiences with caregivers play a crucial role in shaping our attachment styles, which can significantly impact our relationships throughout life. Anxious attachment is one such style that emerges from early interactions with caregivers, leaving a lasting imprint on how individuals approach and experience relationships. Remember that attachment styles are a spectrum, and that they can change throughout your life.

In this blog post, we will explore what anxious attachment is, how it manifests in adulthood, and strategies to cope with its challenges.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment develops when a child perceives their caregiver as inconsistent or unpredictable in meeting their emotional needs. Caregivers may sometimes respond promptly and warmly, while at other times, they might be distant or neglectful. As a result, the child becomes hyper-vigilant to potential threats of abandonment and seeks excessive reassurance and closeness to feel secure.

Experiences leading to developing an Anxious Attachment style:

  1. Inconsistent Responsiveness: A caregiver may experience depression or anxiety, or may be battling addiction, leading to fluctuations in their emotional availability and responsiveness to the child's needs.

  2. Intrusive Parenting as a Coping Mechanism: A caregiver may use overprotectiveness and intrusiveness as a way to cope with their own anxieties, unintentionally hindering the child's independence and sense of security.

  3. Separation Anxiety Caused by Overprotectiveness: A caregiver may exhibit heightened separation anxiety, making it challenging for the child to explore and develop autonomy.

  4. Seeking Constant Reassurance due to Insecure Parenting: An anxiously attached child may seek constant reassurance from caregivers because they have learned that seeking support may not always be met with consistent responses.

Manifestations of Anxious Attachment in Adulthood

Fear of Abandonment: Adults with anxious attachment often experience a deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment, leading them to cling tightly to their partners. They may be overly sensitive to perceived signs of distance or disinterest, and this fear can sometimes drive them to act in ways that inadvertently push their partners away.

Constant Need for Reassurance: Individuals with a more anxious attachment style crave reassurance and validation from their partners to ease their anxiety. They may seek constant affirmation of love and affection, often doubting their partner's feelings despite evidence to the contrary.

Emotional Rollercoaster: People with an anxious attachment may experience intense fluctuations in emotions within a relationship. Small arguments or conflicts can trigger overwhelming feelings of insecurity and doubt.

Overanalysing and Ruminating: Anxiously attached individuals tend to overthink and ruminate about their relationships, reading into every interaction and looking for signs of trouble. This constant analysis can lead to heightened stress and anxiety.

Dependency on Relationships: Anxiously attached individuals often rely heavily on their relationships for emotional stability and self-worth. Their happiness may become excessively dependent on their partner's actions and words.

Coping Strategies for Anxious Attachment

Although anxious attachment patterns can be deeply ingrained, they are not set in stone. With awareness and effort, individuals can develop healthier coping strategies to improve their relationships and overall well-being:

Therapy and Self-Reflection: Seeking therapy, particularly from professionals well-versed in attachment theory, can be transformative. Through self-reflection and understanding the roots of anxious attachment, individuals can start challenging negative thought patterns.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation: Practising mindfulness techniques can help anxiously attached people become more aware of their emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Learning emotional regulation skills enables them to respond more effectively to triggers and reduce impulsive reactions.

Communicate Openly with Partners: It's crucial for those with an anxious attachment to communicate their feelings and needs openly with their partners. Honest communication can foster understanding and create a secure foundation for the relationship.

Develop Independence and Self-Worth: Working on building a strong sense of self-worth and self-identity can reduce the dependency on relationships for validation. Engaging in hobbies, pursuing personal goals, and nurturing one's own interests are essential steps.

Challenge Negative Thoughts: Anxiously attached individuals often have automatic negative thoughts about themselves and their relationships. Learning to challenge these thoughts and replacing them with more balanced and realistic ones can help decrease anxiety.

Practise Secure Attachment Behaviours: Engaging in behaviours associated with secure attachment, such as providing support, being empathetic, and respecting boundaries, can create a positive cycle in relationships.


Understanding anxious attachment and its manifestations is a crucial step towards fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships. While overcoming anxious attachment patterns may require time and effort, it is possible to develop secure attachment styles and experience more profound connections with others.

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